“I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now...Come further up, come further in!”
― C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle
This passage in The Last Battle changed my life. Something clicked into place the moment I read it–I understood, perhaps for the first time, that while I have the best family in the world, and while I grew up in a beautiful house in a place that has such pretty seasons and I had all of the opportunity that a girl could need, I was looking for home. I was looking for that place where my soul was at rest, where joy was limitless, where life was full and beautiful. It’s not that I’d never caught glimpses of this on a warm summer’s day, or surrounded by my family or close friends–on the contrary, those fleeting moments, full of love and satisfaction, made me hunger for more.
I saw that I’d sought to find this home in the books that I’d read or in the recesses of my imagination, where I could be free from my own awkwardness and the toils of life, where I could care about what was important to me and not worry about the rest, because consequences have a way of dissolving when we’re stuck inside our own heads. But as my head sequestered me away from the pains of life, I lost the joys as well, and I ended up sitting on the sidelines of reality.
Later, in college, I would spend time searching for home in the people around me, trying to find that perfect balance of caring and being cared for. And this worked wonderfully, as long as things weren’t actually that hard. But when so many things fell apart, I retreated, and I found myself nearly alone.
Since college, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of emotional energy looking for home in my contributions to society–if I could use all of my gifts to full capacity on a daily basis through the perfect job or volunteer work, then surely I will have arrived? Surely then I will be satisfied?
But every time I look somewhere new, I am disappointed, because the fact is, I’m not home.
“But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.”― Philippians 3:20-21
Where did Lewis’s characters find their home? Not here! Life on Earth had to end in order for them to find the place that they’d never realized they’d been longing for. I spend a lot of time expecting this life to be what it can’t be. I have such high expectations of this world that I so very often miss the beauty that is before my eyes, and I pass over opportunities to be satisfied in my heart and in my soul. At the same time, I grow weary of facing the pains and injustices that I see and feel because I’ve forgotten that there is more than this world. So often, I find that I’ve lost hope.
As we get settled here, I will be sorely tempted to seek out that sense of home in travel and exploration, the building of new relationships, and in being a mom. But while it’s true that a taste of home can be found in the midst of all of those pursuits, this is only because this world and the people in it, with the capacity of different kinds of relationships, were created by the one and only homemaker. He’s the one who can give me that joy and that satisfaction, and he could do so if I never traveled, never had a kid, never made the best of friends. He is the one who gives those things whatever wonder they have. And so, as we write our silly tales of cultural adjustment, travel mishaps and parenting faux pas, we’ll be looking for the wonder beyond what meets the eye–that glimpse of home in a strange, strange world.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.― Philippians 4:4-8
